Decisions, Decisions

Monday was my weekly OB appointment. I was a little anxious about this one, as I knew we would discuss the ultrasound and how to proceed. The doctor told me that she knew I had expressed the desire to avoid a c section and that she would support me as much as she could but, she could make no guarantee. In fact, she must have said about 4 or 5 times "as long as you are aware of the risks." The concern she has is another 4th degree tear and there is no way to know for sure how my body will compensate during labor and delivery this time around. She said if I was too tear that way again I could be facing long term consequences such as fecal incontinence. Let me tell you, those two words scare the bejesus out of me. (Sorry if this is TMI. But, these are the technical medical terms. :) ) So, she said it was up to me in the end. I could have a wonderful vaginal delivery and have no problems. Or I could have what I had last time. So, she sent me home to think about it. I talked to a few friends to get some ideas. Unfortunately, I don't know many people who have had the experience I've had. At least, not that have had subsequent pregnancies and deliveries. I looked at some message boards online to see what other women have experienced. Some decided to err on the side of caution and some went for it. I didn't see anything that really made me feel like 'yeah this is totally doable. I'll be just fine.' If anything, the posts I read just made me worry that people would think that I took the easy way out. Everyone seemed to have an opinion about what was the right thing to do and not many people who had objective opinions. I don't know why I'm always worried about what other moms think but, I'd be lying if I said I didn't care. Then, I had a friend tell me not to see a c section as the easy way out, neither way is easy. And she's right. Neither way is easy and the decision itself is not easy. So I know that, in the end after careful consideration, I will make the best decision for me and baby and anyone who feels justified in judging my decision can just keep it to themselves. One friend also reminded me that I have remember to look after me too. That I will be caring for a newborn and a toddler and that I have to think of my recovery as it will effect the way I care for them. That is very true and I was grateful for the reminder. It's always awesome when your friends give you perspective and remind you of what's really important. What good am I to them if I'm not healthy? So, all that being said, I have made my decision. (I did include Julien in the decision making process by the way. I just realized I forgot to mention him. He's been of the same opinion for a while so he didn't want to unduly influence me and let me make the decision on my own really. ) I will be scheduling a c section this time around. I will end delivering in my 39th week. I return to see the OB early next week and should have everything scheduled then. Until then, there's a lot to get done in preparation. I just hope I can get everything ready in time.